Duncan:
Welcome to the Public Interest wine column. Since the OPIA folks take it upon themselves to act in our interest (ostensibly), we thought we would return the favor. Thus, we dedicate this column to wines OPIA types can afford, with screw-tops and artificial flavors. Let’s see if OPIAtes have the intestinal fortitude to pursue careers of moral rectitude. At least you’ll be a little less hammered in some cases.
Boone’s Farm Snow Creek Berry ($2.99/750mL): Nearly colorless and tasting of heavily sugared raspberries, this “flavored apple wine product” delivers “country style premium quality” that rivals “potted meat product.” Public interest-ers, get ready to drink lots of wines that are self-proclaimed “wine products.” A mere 5 percent alcohol (low wreckage factor).
Arbor Mist Strawberry White Zinfandel ($4.49/750mL): Light pink, no nose at all, stings the tongue. Tastes like…strawberries! A measly 6 percent alcohol. Buzz-worthy!
Franzia Chillable Red Table Wine with Natural Flavors ($1.95/750mL, $12.99/5L): Who can argue with “America’s Most Popular Wine,” packed in a five-liter stay-fresh mylar pouch in a cardboard box with a handy dispensing nozzle? Heck, who could have a beef (literally and figuratively) with a red wine that should be “serve[d] chilled” and has an expiration date? Sour armpit on the nose, sweet mold on the tongue. Nine percent alcohol.
MD 20/20 Red Grape Wine, Banana Red and Kiwi-Lemon ($2.99/750mL): Yes, we tried three different flavors of MD 20/20 because, darn it, we love you people. All of these “wines,” which the bottles assure us are indeed made from “grapes,” should be “serve[d] cold.” I would recommend serving these products very cold to people whose taste buds have been surgically removed. Red Grape (18 percent alcohol) tasted and nosed of alcohol, although Asian friend and co-RECORD columnist Eugene Mar reported “wasabi on the nose.” Banana Red (13 percent) evoked cries of “eww, tastes like banana Runts.” Kiwi-Lemon (13 percent) was anti-freeze colored and flavored.
Oy! I understand a certain 3L is genuinely put out that I, a goy, would employ Yiddish without his permission. Now, I would feel like a schlemiel had I misused “kvetch,” but given my correct usage I say only this: I’ll stop with the Yiddish when you give up English.
Michael:
Admittedly, I am somewhat of a wine snob when it comes to how much money I spend on wine. I generally spend over $25 on most bottles I drink and I never purchase a bottle of wine under nine dollars unless I am trying to review wines within the constraints of the RECORD’s paltry wine budget or plan to use the wine for cooking. (One piece of advice: Don’t bother buying wines labeled for cooking. Such bottles are inferior wines that are heavily salted. Simply buy an inexpensive bottle of a red or white. Henceforth, the only excuse you have after reading this column for purchasing a “cooking wine” is being under 21 years of age.)
Of course, these prophylactic rules reflect my preferences. I prefer a cold beer to a cheap glass of wine, NL baseball to AL baseball and Jennifer Aniston to Courtney Cox. For those who do enjoy the quest for good five dollar bottles, I offer some advice: Try more obscure grape varietals. You are more likely to discover a value Gewürztraminer than a bargain merlot. Likewise, try more obscure regions. This rule applies to all alcohol: I hear that Liquor World of Somerville produces highly affordable vodka. Finally, regardless of how much money you decide to spend on your wine, I implore you to never buy anything that Duncan and I sampled today.
Boone’s Farm Snow Creek Berry ($2.99/750mL): Unsurprisingly, Boone’s Farm’s biggest fan at the tasting is a gentleman hailing from the cosmopolitan Maple Lake, West Virginia.
Arbor Mist Strawberry White Zinfandel ($4.49/750mL): The clear winner of the six — this White Zin is basically a Bartles & Jaymes Strawberry Daquiri wine cooler. As an added bonus, the nutrition label on the bottle indicates that I received 6 percent of the recommended daily calcium allowance.
Franzia Chillable Red Table Wine with Natural Flavors ($1.95/750mL, $12.99/5L): Like taking a first date to John Harvard’s. Tastes like orange drink fermented under a radiator.
MD 20/20 Red Grape Wine, Banana Red and Kiwi-Lemon ($2.99/750mL): Mad Dog produces alcohol in a variety of unholy fruit flavor combinations that all manage to resemble pure rubbing alcohol.
My wife's father is hessaby as in www.hessaby.com (they stole his cash and put it there) and my mother-in-law family is related by marriage tot the Pakravans., who headed the SAVAKPan Am was nicknamed PanIran as the Shah's family was the largest shareholder. I have extreme amount of details of exactly was going on
from the Iranians wanting him to return their assets to other coup attempts to 6 months before the Shah son pretended he was bankrupt in a public trial, to my wifes relative coming to our house talking about the coup and we did not know they were in Washington DC, to the Iran Contra hearings trial that was going to start Feb 20 th, 1989 to the tipping of the coup to the Iranian govt, ,to something in writing I can prove the coup to the Salamon Rushtie Feb 14th insult to islam to get the people on the street to avoid the coup to the Iranian govt announcement of a coup by 'dissent mullahs' announced at the time to the negiotations between the Bush people involved pretending they were going to make a deal to the 'nice' stories plant in US newspapers at the time (including the Post) as part of the negotation to the fact the bomb had to placed out of London based on the flight path as I worked at USAir at the time creating the flight plans for the 'planes to fly themselves' to overt CIA agents around me at the time to the fact that Bollier, the guy who made the timer for the bomb's wide was IRANIAN and the Libyans told me and said they were not allowed to say... there were 3 witness only.. the main one was trashed.. Bollier and a guy whom said he soldm the Libyan a suitcase in Malta.. hence, one the suitcase guy would be left.. the Libyans did not put up a defence in exchange for evidence to trash the main witness on the stand to what an overt CIA agent told me in the US 4 years later.. etc. etc and the details of several coups to the new World bank (my wie's cousin involved who used to work at the work bank)and US loans starting May 1990 to Iran to the fact that PANAm was shut down 18 months later as they thought it would be targeted again because of the Shah connection (the US airlines go in and out of bankruptcy all the time - this was the one of the first US airlines - an ICON) etc
I also know where the Iranian govt officials have money in the US, Canada and UK; the back door dealing etccall me for details.. Barry Lanza 00 44 1786831554.. My father-in-law was a convicted spy given amnesty