2008 Woodie Awards
I am transsexual
John Smith
Issue date: 4/28/05 Section: Opinion
Last May things intensified and I experienced an episode of what's called depersonalization. It's a little hard to describe, but mine was like watching myself in a nightmare that I couldn't control. Part of my brain become an outside observer so I actually got to watch myself curled up on the futon in agony. Let me tell you, being outside of my body is perhaps the one thing that's scarier than being in it, so I'm not looking to repeat that any time soon.
I was in deep denial for so long in part because I learned early on the perils of gender transgression. When I was very young I angrily (and nudely) showed my older brother that I had a penis now too (I'd partially inserted something down there). He screamed bloody murder for our mom with really an urgency and panic that I've not heard since. The object that I'd inserted remained on my dresser for years, reminding me every time I saw it of the "shameful" thing I'd done. Girls aren't supposed to want penises let alone have them.
I know you are thinking, well, that explains it, clearly you were jealous of your brother and that is why you want to be a man. If only that were true! Believe, me I wish I could go to therapy, hash it out with my parents, and solve my problems by realizing it's OK to be a woman. But I can't since I'm not. Just like it is now widely recognized that you can't make someone not be gay through "therapy," transsexuals cannot be "cured" through therapy either. We just come that way. The only recognized treatment for people like me is to live in the preferred gender, with most folks seeking medical transition of some sort through hormones and/or surgery.
I tried for 27 years to live as a woman. I didn't know I even had a choice, so I certainly tried to make the best of it. I knew I liked women since I was at least 14 but didn't get around to officially dating one until my first year of law school. I'd had a very nebulous relationship with a female friend of mine, but it always made me feel like a man, which freaked me out, so it never went anywhere. So I dated men. Why not? I liked being around them, they were my friends and I was a woman, therefore it made sense to date them. Only not. My one relationship became long distance and I went to visit him. He wanted to make out. I really couldn't fathom this and I just wanted to play cards with him and his roommate. Then there was my last boyfriend, a real sensitive new age type who played that to the hilt in the bedroom. Nonetheless, I'd invariably end up quietly sobbing after sex and wondering what was wrong with me.
I was in deep denial for so long in part because I learned early on the perils of gender transgression. When I was very young I angrily (and nudely) showed my older brother that I had a penis now too (I'd partially inserted something down there). He screamed bloody murder for our mom with really an urgency and panic that I've not heard since. The object that I'd inserted remained on my dresser for years, reminding me every time I saw it of the "shameful" thing I'd done. Girls aren't supposed to want penises let alone have them.
I know you are thinking, well, that explains it, clearly you were jealous of your brother and that is why you want to be a man. If only that were true! Believe, me I wish I could go to therapy, hash it out with my parents, and solve my problems by realizing it's OK to be a woman. But I can't since I'm not. Just like it is now widely recognized that you can't make someone not be gay through "therapy," transsexuals cannot be "cured" through therapy either. We just come that way. The only recognized treatment for people like me is to live in the preferred gender, with most folks seeking medical transition of some sort through hormones and/or surgery.
I tried for 27 years to live as a woman. I didn't know I even had a choice, so I certainly tried to make the best of it. I knew I liked women since I was at least 14 but didn't get around to officially dating one until my first year of law school. I'd had a very nebulous relationship with a female friend of mine, but it always made me feel like a man, which freaked me out, so it never went anywhere. So I dated men. Why not? I liked being around them, they were my friends and I was a woman, therefore it made sense to date them. Only not. My one relationship became long distance and I went to visit him. He wanted to make out. I really couldn't fathom this and I just wanted to play cards with him and his roommate. Then there was my last boyfriend, a real sensitive new age type who played that to the hilt in the bedroom. Nonetheless, I'd invariably end up quietly sobbing after sex and wondering what was wrong with me.