2008 Woodie Awards
I am transsexual
John Smith
Issue date: 4/28/05 Section: Opinion
- Page 1 of 3 next >
I am transsexual.
When I say that my time in law school has been more transformative than I ever could have imagined, I'm talking literally, as in female to male.
I feel a bit awkward sharing my personal life in a public forum, but I think it's for the best. It's true that on some days I find my transness utterly inconsequential and completely normal, but those are the good days.
I'm telling you because of the bad days.
Only 16% of people are aware of knowing a transgender person (2002 Human Rights Campaign poll). The rest may very well know a transgender person who is stealth, that is, one who does not go around telling everyone that they used to be a different sex (since that often has the unfortunate effect of then being seen as less than the man or woman they are). With a personal knowledge figure that low, there is a lot of room for misunderstanding and fear. So I want to tell you a little bit about my story because I know that that is the only way I can make the world a safer place for myself and all transgender people.
In junior high, my mom actually asked me several times if I thought I was a man trapped in a woman's body. It happens, you know, she admonished. I laughed it off--no mom, don't be silly, girls can wear guy's clothes. In reality, however, I was ashamed to shop in the men's department, just more ashamed to do so in the women's. I wonder what would have happened had she phrased it differently - do you wish you were born a man? Do you wish you didn't have breasts? Would you like to be a man? Any of those might have allowed me to consider the question, but a man trapped in a woman's body? That was too frightening. If that were the case, wouldn't you just be stuck there forever?
The sad irony is that trapped is exactly how I felt, only I had no idea why. I only knew that I wanted to get out of my body, so suicidal thoughts were a standard part of my life. They weren't really suicidal, however, because didn't want to actually cease existing. Dying was the only thing I could think of that would release me from my body, but that was a gamble, of course, since there might not be an afterlife. I would often imagine slicing my neck open so that my spirit could escape. And I thought this was normal. I figured all humans didn't like being in bodies and that everyone wanted out. I never sought professional help all those years because I strongly felt that the problem wasn't in my brain, that it was my whole body, and drugs or talk therapy wouldn't help.
When I say that my time in law school has been more transformative than I ever could have imagined, I'm talking literally, as in female to male.
I feel a bit awkward sharing my personal life in a public forum, but I think it's for the best. It's true that on some days I find my transness utterly inconsequential and completely normal, but those are the good days.
I'm telling you because of the bad days.
Only 16% of people are aware of knowing a transgender person (2002 Human Rights Campaign poll). The rest may very well know a transgender person who is stealth, that is, one who does not go around telling everyone that they used to be a different sex (since that often has the unfortunate effect of then being seen as less than the man or woman they are). With a personal knowledge figure that low, there is a lot of room for misunderstanding and fear. So I want to tell you a little bit about my story because I know that that is the only way I can make the world a safer place for myself and all transgender people.
In junior high, my mom actually asked me several times if I thought I was a man trapped in a woman's body. It happens, you know, she admonished. I laughed it off--no mom, don't be silly, girls can wear guy's clothes. In reality, however, I was ashamed to shop in the men's department, just more ashamed to do so in the women's. I wonder what would have happened had she phrased it differently - do you wish you were born a man? Do you wish you didn't have breasts? Would you like to be a man? Any of those might have allowed me to consider the question, but a man trapped in a woman's body? That was too frightening. If that were the case, wouldn't you just be stuck there forever?
The sad irony is that trapped is exactly how I felt, only I had no idea why. I only knew that I wanted to get out of my body, so suicidal thoughts were a standard part of my life. They weren't really suicidal, however, because didn't want to actually cease existing. Dying was the only thing I could think of that would release me from my body, but that was a gamble, of course, since there might not be an afterlife. I would often imagine slicing my neck open so that my spirit could escape. And I thought this was normal. I figured all humans didn't like being in bodies and that everyone wanted out. I never sought professional help all those years because I strongly felt that the problem wasn't in my brain, that it was my whole body, and drugs or talk therapy wouldn't help.